Cringe*

The downside to having the boys do the dishes is having the boys do the dishes.

It is taking every ounce of my self control to not run into the kitchen and inspect each pan before it's hung back up on the rack. They never clean anything well and everything gets put back without being dried. 

Cringe. 

(I think they've left the kitchen so I can go check the dishes now.)

*This would have been an essay on the single mother's identity crisis and her three obsessive bedfellows: doubt, guilt and anxiety but I have a sinus infection and can't talk smart.

White Music

We listen to a lot of rap in our car. I have Biggie, Tupac, Akon, etc on my ipod.  Today Yusef turns the radio on and says, "I need some white music".

Dead serious, eye contact, no smiles. He just needed some white music.

Whoa...hold on a minute.

It just hit me.  Holy crap.  My life is completely different.  I'm a soccer mom. Of two teenagers.  One from Yemen, the other from Guinea.  My life is filled to the brim with activities that revolve around my two kids.  What is THAT like???


My days consist of schedules, soccer practices and games, tutoring, chicken sandwiches, protein and vegetable intake considerations.  I dream about these boys...I can't wait to get away from them and can't stop thinking about them when I'm gone.  I'm rarely alone and this is one of the loneliest things I've ever done.


Mom Guilt is a very real thing and a wicked, sneaky bitch. My mistakes (temper) haunt me. I've never repeated myself so much in my life or asked so many questions to myself late into the night.  


Does it matter that they rarely drink water and most of their fluid intake comes from Gatorade and Vitamin Water? I mean, I know it matters, but can I be graded on a curve since they used to only drink Coke and Sunny D? 


How awful is it that I can't get them to remember to take their one a day vitamins? How terrible is it that I haven't had time to take them to get their final blood tests done for their physicals--and am sneaking in full STD testing?


When am I supposed to get them heavier sweaters and coats?  When does enough clothing cross into too much clothing? How strict should I be with dating? When is too much control a bad thing? How do I keep myself from losing my temper because they're obsessed with texting and facebook?


Why can't I say good night once and leave it at that? Why do I have to go back to them 3-4 times with things I've remembered?


What the hell will I do once they're gone?

Sheep unstuck.

My dear friend Leese and her sweet husband loaned me their gorgeous house in Vermont for the weekend. I woke up this morning, grabbed a cup of coffee and decided to head out in my flip-flops and shorts to say good morning to the sheep who apparently live in their front yard.

I thought me and the sheep would make an excellent photo.  

As I got closer to the electric fence (thanks for the warning Leese), I realized that one of the sheep was tangled in the inner plastic wire fence. Uh-oh. Panic. It cried a little to drive its point home and then the other sheep started yelling, "Woman, do something!".

I called the neighbors, no answer. Called Leese, no answer. I walked a little closer and decided that I could (potentially) handle this. Set my coffee down in the grass, and used my sleeve to open the electric fence. Because we all know that electricity can't penetrate cloth.  (That's what she said) 

I stepped through without getting electrocuted and used my incredible powers of reasoning to deduce that the plastic wire that was wrapped around the sheep did not carry an electric current.  At first, the sweet little sheep, that we will refer to henceforth as Emma, struggled, but then, she lay down and put her head on the ground right next to my foot. Oh, fist to the heart, I'm ON this. 

I tentatively started unwrapping the wire from Emma's head and  feet  hooves and since she didn't jump up and kick me in the face or unveil carnivorous teeth, really put my back into getting her out of the wire. I lifted her head, moved her feet, turned her around, and pulled the wire free from where it had also gotten tangled in her coat.  Emma started getting animated as she got closer to freedom, but I have to say, she showed excellent restraint until I was done.

Once free, she ran out into the middle of the field, apparently unharmed.  One of the bigger sheep (clearly, her mom), ran across the field to her crying out her relief (give me creative license here).  The other sheep bleated out their congratulations and then, hand to God, turned around and ran towards me en masse to express their gratitude.  

I handled this experience like the cool New Yorker I am. Or, I yelled and cried in manner of the double rainbow man: "You're welcome!!! Oh my God!!! How wonderful, I just saved a sheep! You're welcome!!!" 

You pick.

Emma stuck!

Emma free!

Emma's mom, so relieved!

Well mannered sheep saying thank you!

Bring me a little lavender in, if you got any. Pink, if you don’t.

I'm excited to start a public blog this weekend. I want to name it from Baby Suggs' quote in Toni Morisson's Beloved, "Bring me a little lavender in, if you got any.  Pink, if you don't."  

Baby Suggs, an older ex-slave retires to her bed to consider something harmless like color because she can't take the cruelty of slavery anymore.  "And Sethe (her daughter in law) would oblige her with anything from fabric to her own tongue...Took her a long time finish with blue, then yellow, then green.  She was well into pink when she died."

There is something so moving to me about both the concept of considering color and bringing someone color in any way you can, from using the insides of your body to the faded edge of your sleeve.  I love the ingenious meditation and creative love.   

Over the past year, I have retreated to my bed across the US, the Caribbean and Europe to process the changes around me.  Feelings of joy and desperation have poured out across my computer keys--or the tiny buttons on my blackberry.  The only direction to my writing being a search for truth about my human condition.

I'm leaving the boys alone (with their Coach) for the first time since they moved in and going to stay at dear Leese's house in the middle of nowhere, Vermont.  I will be considering color, not to escape the cruelty of the world, but to find the best way to illustrate my personal kaleidoscope.