I haven't written anything in quite a while. Since the beginning of January, if we go by what's posted here.
I didn't expect this blog to be so focused on what it's like to suddenly be a mother of two teenagers, but I guess that was naive thinking, since I started this blog after suddenly becoming the mother of two teenagers.
I get very busy with work mid winter to the end of spring, and I forget, every year, what that feels like. Being a mom and busy with work (with a dog who has some major emotional issues, welcome to the family, Opus), is a lot like being a married devout Catholic who is sleeping with her priest.
Meaning, I feel guilty. All. The. Time.
I have less of everything these days. Less energy, less time, less patience, less home cooked meals (they probably aren't mourning this one), less Sunday Fun-days, less laughter... And I need so much more from them. They have regular chores now. I know, I know, I probably should have done this six months ago, but I hated to ask them to do anything other than keep their room and clothes clean.
I think that's why I haven't written in so long, not because I gave them chores, but because it's hard to write about feeling like a crappy mom.
I try, every day, to do what Toni Morrison instructs, to greet them when they walk in the room with unabated joy. Stretch my jaw muscles into a smile, look them in the eye and say, "You're home! Hello! I'm so happy to see you!" This is very hard as a busy, working person and single mom. Lately, I have lists I run through with them, lots of questions that need fast answers. I need to know if they ate lunch, do they want a snack. Are they ready for tutoring, will they be ready for soccer, can they go get some groceries and run by the bank.
Toni is right, though. It has had an effect on my little family that I'm not lighting up when they walk in the door. Running through all the things that need to be done for them does not make them feel seen and loved. It makes them tired.
Hanni's a trooper. He loves to work and help--he's doing the best he can, and so damn politely. Hanni also isn't shy--he's a communicator. He will sit and tell me about his day and anything that's on his mind no matter how busy I look.
Yusef is younger, just turned 16, and struggles with verbal communication. My busyness is showing up in his attitude, which has been pretty poor lately. I can tell that he misses me--misses when I would spread out enough time so that he could get out the things that are on his mind.
I received a text from Hanni when I was on my way home after working an event tonight, "I'm going to go to bed now, Cathy, is there anything else you need?". Sweet, but, dagger to this mom's heart.
When I got home a few minutes later, I found out that Yusef broke a house rule. I went to the other side of our house after scolding Yusef, and things felt icky. I had no idea how to fix anything.
Then, the grace of God walked my feet back to where Hanni was finishing a remembered piece of homework, opened my mouth and spoke, "Thank you. Thank you for helping me so much when I need you, and for being so polite when you're exhausted. It's hard to do that, and I want you to know that I see you, and I'm so grateful."
God didn't stop there. He had me call Yusef into the kitchen and make a deal. "Let's forget all of this. You didn't have attitude yesterday. You didn't take the family iPad to soccer practice tonight. I miss you and you're one of my favorite people on the planet and I don't want to be angry with you anymore. I want to spend time with you and have fun, because I love you. Fresh start-we're good, there's no trouble between us, okay?" And then he couldn't speak. He turned around and did that thing where he scrunches up his mouth so he doesn't cry and gave me a nod.
Things felt better. I thought of this piece. I took off my damn pantyhose. Put on my pajamas and got into bed with my crazy dog.
And, then Yusef knocked on the door and asked if he could tell me something. I made sure my eyes lit up when he walked in the room.
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Please forgive typos and poor editing in general until mid-May.
